Maybe I should just blow my brains out.

Good news.
I'm getting the abortion done on the 15th.
It's two visits and I only have to pay $200 the first visit. $320 the second.
I'm with Anthem insurance and Planned Parenthood has a contract with them.
So they might be able to cover 20% of the expenses for the abortion.
All I have to do is get ahold of them and ask.
But I've literally been calling them all day and they just put me on hold.
I was on hold for about twenty minutes straight.
It's bullshit. If I ever do get through, I'm gonna bitch them out.

I have to personally drive down to Cincinnati just to confirm the appointment too.
They won't let me do it over the phone.
So that's pretty fucking annoying.
Oh well.
I'm getting it done.


Jesus I'm exhausted.
I can't wait to quit PetSmart.

mood: relieved

Travis came over yesterday. I made him soup cause he was sick, and then we went to go see Pirates 3 but it was sold out. :(
So we went back to his house and chilled for a bit.
We spent a lot of time outside, we never do that. We layed on his trampoline and cuddled and just talked for hours and looked at the stars.
It was so nice. Then everyone decided to come over so it kind of ruined it, but we all ended up having a good time. I didn't wanna leave but I knew I'd need some good sleep for the weekend I have ahead of me. I hope I can make it down to Cincy tonight, Travis has NO gas and neither of us have any money to spare. I'm not even sure where this place is either.

We'll just have to wait and see.


I hope my stomach stops hurting by tonight too.

mood: calm

I keep having dreams that I meet Eminem.


I need to meet him before I die.


Haha.

I feel horrrrrible.
I feel nauseous (as usual) and my bladder/kidneys hurt so bad.
They're making me physically uncomfortable, I don't know how to sit so they don't hurt.
I've gotten an MRI for it before but nothing showed up, so I'm gonna go to a eurologist or whatever to get to the fucking bottom of it.
My mom's always had a weak bladder and shit, mine's not weak though, it's just fucked up.
:(

I started feeling shitty in 6th period, made it through 7th, couldn't take it anymore after that.
I kept trying to call my mom but she wouldn't answer.
So before 8th period I told Travis I was gonna try to leave if I can get ahold of her, he asked why and when I told him I broke down and started crying.
I'm so tired of feeling like hell 24/7.
I get migranes (there's no medicine/cure for those)
I'm allergic to more than half the food I eat and almost everything I'm around. I'm allergic to fucking soy. Soy's in almost everything.
I've had stomache problems since I was little (doctors can't figure out what that is either)
And bladder/kidney problems since I was little too.
I got an MRI when I was little and the doctor said my right kidney is bigger than it should be but "it's nothing to worry about."
Yea fuckin right.
That's the one that always hurts the most.

I dunno what to do anymore.
I'm so frusterated. It NEVER stops.
I haven't felt 100% healthy for years.

I finally got ahold of my mom today though and she picked me up like 15 minutes early.
I really CAN'T miss anymore school but I don't feel good enough to go anymore.
I think I'm gonna home school next year, I won't have to worry about attendance and getting suspended all the time and being around annoying dumbasses all day.
Idk. I still need to think about it.

In the meantime, I'm just gonna drink my cranberry juice and eat my goldfish.

mood: sad

I went shopping with my mom today. She bought tonsss of stuff.
I almost feel bad.
But I got the cutest shit ever.
I got a pair of black flats and some leopard print heels.
I got a bunch of cute shirts that are long so I can wear them as dresses with leggings.
Some black and grey camo capris.
A sweet new bra, and some bracelets.
I'm excited. :)
And I don't feel too huge in the clothes so I'll actually wear them.

I'm waiting for Travis to come over.
Every time I call him he sounds really pissed off but I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it.

Something's wrong with my kidneys again, I have to go to the doctor tomorrow morning.

mood: happy

It's always the same shit.
All the fucking time.

I'm so tired of people coming to me with their problems, but when I go to them for help (which is a very rare occasion) they tune me out and don't give one shit about anything I have to say.
I'm tired of helping people when they don't deserve it.
I'm tired of people letting the dumbest little things ruin their day.
I've decided there's no point in telling anyone anything. Especially if something's wrong. They can't do anything about it, and even if they could, more than have of them wouldn't because they're so stuck on themselves.
Maybe this is why I can't keep friends.
Maybe it IS my fault.
I get to the point where I simply cannot take how self absorbed and stupid people really are, and I just give up on them all together.
If that's not the answer then I don't know what is.



I'm starting to have second thoughts on home schooling next year. I mean I'd love to sleep in everyday and I'd graduate in half the time, but I honestly think if I was home all day, I'd lose my fucking mind.
Literally. I'm barely even on the sane side these days.
I don't know what to do.


None of this even seems important right now.

mood: cold

All I can do is hope.

:(

mood: crushed

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. This notion may stem from issues of trust or self-esteem.


The fact that that is 100% accurate might have something to do with my dreams of Travis cheating on me every single night.

mood: sad

So since my mom was a bitch to me last night and she's drunk now, I haven't even mentioned mother's day to her.
I feel so guilty about it but I can't grow the balls to just say "Happy Mother's Day, Mom."
I was planning on going to Kroger and getting her flowers this morning before I came home, but since Travis and I got in a fight, I came home last night and had no way to get her anything.
I feel like such a piece of shit daughter...


...and girlfriend.

mood: ashamed

Travis and I got in a fight last night.
It was my fault, but I'm gonna blame my period.
I feel like fucking shit.
I couldn't get my mom anything for mother's day.
She's mad at me anyway for coming home crying last night.
I woke up at 7:45 to her and my step-dad screaming at each other.
I lost my cell phone.
I want to call Travis but I'm not going to.

Watch, the second I get off here I'm gonna give in and call him like I always do.

"On the plus side, things are going really well with me and Travis lately."
^EVERY time I say something like that, things go horribly wrong the next day between us. I jinx myself. Fuckk.

mood: pissed off

Fuck having a vagina.

Ughhhh cramppssss.


Deeaaatthhh.

mood: bitchy

I'm physically such a fuckin mess right now.
I'm not getting nearly enough sleep and I have no time to just
relax anymore.
I keep saying I'm gonna go to bed early one of these nights, but I always end up finding something I have to do and staying up late as fuck.
They have all of us working our fucking asses off in lab. I literally feel like I'm at work when I'm in there. They should be fucking paying me for all the shit I do for them. Everyone cooks shit, but the teachers ask me to do like 8 different things at a fucking time. I don't get to stop and take a breath for one second. It wears me out. Then I have to deal with a bunch of immature idiots in my academic classes the rest of the day.
Whatever, after May 31 I'll never have to step foot inside a school again.

My allergy shots aren't even working anymore, something weird's happening with them.
The first couple months they worked great, no itching, sneezing, trouble breathing, nothing. And the shots never hurt or anything.
Now, the shots hurt like fuck, and where they inject the needle itches like fucking crazy for days.
My legs itch so bad I scratch them til they draw blood, so they look like fucking hell.
I wake up every morning barely able to breathe and I'm constantly sneezing, I don't even know what to do.
I feel like shit all the time.

I keep hoping I'll get to rest and sleep this weekend.
But I have so much shit to do.

Tomorrow I'm staying in lab all day to help Janna with cakes and shit for her babyshower on Saturday, which I AM going to.
I'm sorry but I love Janna.
I fucking hate it when people bash her for getting pregnant.
She's always been so nice to me. I was her friend before she got pregnant, I wasn't just gonna stop talking to her because of it. Everyone makes mistakes. It's not like she's gonna fucking disown the baby or anything. She's gonna be a good mother, she's excited about it and her family is supporting her. So I'm happy for her.

On the plus side, things are going really well with me and Travis lately. We came to my house after school and just ended up falling asleep. It was nice, but I woke up at 7 to my mom screaming my name just to make sure I was here.

asldkjfas;d

Whatever.
I'm just bitching.


"One of the things which danger does to you after a time is, well, kill emotion. I don't think I shall ever feel anything again except fear. None of us can hate anymore - or love."

mood: tired

I'm going to marry him. :)

mood: happy

Everyone I get close to always fucks me over.
I don't get it.
The only person who's stayed friends with me all these years is Megan, but I never get to see her.
We've been best friends since 6th grade.
Sarah COMPLETELY fucked me over.
Megan fucked me over.
And now Sam's fucking me over.

She was becoming my best friend and was the only girl I ever talk to.
She always hated Ellen and stayed away from her because of all the shit she talks about me and stuff.
Now, out of nowhere, Sam and Ellen are the best of friends, they sit and talk shit about me together, they're always together, and Sam doesn't talk to me anymore.
I didn't do anything to any of these people.

Maybe I do and don't realize it.
But when I look back, I can't seem to find any mistakes I've made in my relationships with them.

Fuck it.

This is why I don't trust anyone and I don't like meeting new people.
I'm not gonna make new friends anymore, it's not even worth it.

mood: disappointed

The Roots were amazing.
Cinco De Mayo was amazing.
Last night was amazing.

mood: hungover

How come we don't even talk no more
And you don't even call no more
We don't barely keep in touch at all
And I don't even feel the same love when we hug no more
And I heard it through the grape vine we even beefin' now
After all the years we been down
Aint no way no how, this bullshit can't be true
We family aint a damn thing changed, unless it's you.

We were so young, so full of life and vivrance side by side wherever you was ridin I went
So close, almost on some Bonnie and Clyde shit
When Ronnie died you was right by my side with a sholder to cry on
A tissue to wipe my eyes, and a bucket to catch every tear I cried inside it
You even had the same type of childhood I did
Sometimes I just wanna know why is it that you surcame to yours
And mine, I survived it, you ran the streets, I 9 to 5'd it
We grew up, grew apart, as time went by us, then I blew up
To both yours and mine surprises
Now I feel a vibe I just can't describe it
As much as your pride tries to hide it
Your cold, your touch, it's like ice
In your eyes is the look of resentment
I can sense it, and I don't like it.


Goddamnit I always have and always will be in fucking LOVE with Eminem.
I found my D12 DVD, I love it.
It's hilarious.

RIP Proof. :[

mood: content

Travis went down to his dad's. I already miss him. :[

I'm going down to UC to see The Roots tomorrow with my older brother.
And since it's Cinco De Mayo, we're gonna drink margaritas all night.

I'm excited. I need a night out, away from here.
I don't get to see my brother that often.
I see my little brother more and he lives in Cleveland, that's kinda sad.

I just don't like his girlfriend, Christina.
She's not very nice and she gets mad when I'm around him.
My own fucking brother.
She has a sister my age named Andrea.
I found their Facebook's and on Christina's it has a picture of Andrea and Tony with a caption underneath that says "Andrea and her older brother."

Ha. I don't fucking think so. Fucking dyke.

I'm sorry but that really hurt my feelings.
I've always asked him when I can come up and party with him and he always tells me I'm too young, but Andrea, WHO IS MY AGE, gets to go up and party with him all the time.
Tony and I used to be tight shit before he went away to college.
But Christina's gonna be with us allll night. That's the only thing I'm dreading, and if she brings Andrea, I'm probably just gonna end up sitting in the corner, getting drunk by myself with a "don't talk to me or I'll rip your fucking ovaries out" face all night.

Funnn.

mood: grumpy

I need my license.

mood: bored

I'm having anxiety attacks left and fucking right.



And then its what it coulda been shoulda been
find yourself outside lookin in
givin up feelin stuck
mad at the world cause you down and they gettin up
mad at yourself cause you know you shouldnt be given up

I'm tired and sick of bummin rides
on top of that my nine to five
sucks for a couple bucks
and change now whats the reason why
my luck don't amount to fuck
no matter how hard I try

I'm sick and tired of being critisized
I'm sick and tired of barely gettin by
I'm sick and tired of not livin right
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired

I'm sick and tired of being pushed aside
I'm sick and tired of callin folks for rides
I'm sick and tired of this petty life
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired

mood: stressed